Rock... hard place... ME

I sat in on a meeting this morning that kind of shook me. The topic? Our company's inability to measure return on investment (ROI). The hypothesis going in was that we don't have anyone with the expertise to really, truly know whether or not the things we are doing are working, if we're improving, if we're completely missing the mark, etc. The thought is that we SHOULD be compiling metrics to back up our actions, create any new initiatives, spend any more money. From an HR perspective, we don't know what we're doing. I mean, my boss is great... but beyond her, we struggle. She seems to have a grasp on the big-picture AND the smaller moving parts. But the rest of us just move in our tiny little circles with no regard to whether or not what we're doing means anything to anyone outside of our little world.

The meeting went in a little bit different direction. The organizer had done a good job in bringing together a good group of employees who really ARE attempting to measure ROI and customer satisfaction. Turns out, we have already contracted with a survey company to send out electronic how-are-we-doing's to our customers. The technical training organization is already doing a few really good things to make sure needs are being met. The primary problem with all that is: no one else knows about it. They also move in their own small little circles. Even our SALES TEAM doesn't know about the customer satisfaction initiatives already underway. Anyway... bottom line to all that... my company kinda sucks. We don't communicate, we're not a team, we don't measure our results, we give certain initiatives lip service and never follow through, we'd like to make money but we're not really willing to figure out a better way to do things. There are some AWESOME people at this company, people who really know their stuff and could truly contribute on a big scale; but they're protected in their little small-group silos by their small-minded managers. And I truly mean no offense to the managers... they just don't know any better. And we as a company haven't really taught them.

Anyway, I say all that to get to my real feeling this morning: I'm feeling especially like one of the small-minded ones today. Honestly, I hold myself responsible (at least, in large part) for my company's failings in communication, training & development, and measurement of ROI. It's my job to be doing more to improve those things throughout the organization, and I cannot tell you the last time I even attempted to make a difference on any of those fronts.

I have this friend. Some of you know bits & pieces about him. He's probably a pretty inappropriate friend -- an older man who thinks I'm cute and smart and capable and, well, you get the picture. He comes to me a lot, asking for my assistance on projects, attempting to include me in everything, gathering my opinions on whatever he's working on at the moment. He definitely gives me more credit than I deserve. Evidently, I'm capable of BS'ing him into continuing to think more of me than he should. Anyway... he includes me in this meeting this morning. And all these folks are talking about how they're attempting to do the right thing. And I'm sitting there thinking... what have I done lately that I really feel like adds ANY VALUE WHATSOEVER? Not only to the company and our bottom line, but in life too?! I've been sitting around now for quite a while just getting by. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I stay busy. Well, I say that; but I don't. COME ON. I'm stuck "between". I'm between an executive and a hippie. I'm neither, but I could be either. I can't be creative AND productive; but I don't really have the talent to be one over the other. And on the personal front, I'm between a go-getter and a bum... mostly landing on the side of being a bum. Go figure.

Bottom line... I wonder HOW I've been able to continue snowing these people at work (my boss, this friend, others within the organization who actually think I add value). They're really smart people and are always attempting to do the right thing. They have sharp critical thinking skills and are usually very good judges of company-related character. Obviously, they're not very good at measuring return on investment. Or they just let their personal interest in me cloud their usually-better judgement. Because, without a doubt, the Heidi ROI has to be well into the negative integers, for sure.

So, what do I do?!?! The company makes a pretty hefty investment in me. And I KNOW I have the capability of at least providing a little tiny bit of ROI. But the task of improving from a non-contributer to the all-star they think I am is incredibly daunting. I haven't the slightest idea where to start. I feel like I'm on an island... especially working from home... especially working in the HR group where I'm surrounded by non-contributing colleagues... especially with my personal level of motivation (think: NONE).

"Dear God, this parachute is a knapsack!"