Tonight Not Tonight

Written when we were trying to GET pregnant:

ANYWAY... Today, in my life, is all about renewal. Yesterday was about disappointment. Let's cover yesterday first. Disappointments are, well, disappointing. It's not the end of the world, no. But it sure can feel like it when you're let down. It's the end of one road when it's hard to see the beginning of another. It's another wasted month, the inability to accomplish something you'd really like to do. A big fat splat as you faceplant when you're just trying to put one foot in front of the other. It's one more 'what's wrong with me?' You grieve for a moment that feels like it could last forever. Disappointment is big.

And then it's not. The sun comes up on a beautiful tomorrow. In a book about 'God's whisperings', you see an inspiring verse about hope. You hear a sermon about the prodigal son, and the preacher inserts a little tidbit about the best sentences ever written. You find one of the best sentences ever written... again in the book about 'God's whisperings'. You wake up to the first anniversary of a yucky (weather-wise) day that celebrates one year of happiness together. You start a cleaning project that gets easier every time you donate clothes & what-have-you to the church yard sale. You start the next month and live for another possibility of success. You have a beer and schedule a go-blonde-again day and start looking for next time.

Funny how just about the same thing holds when we’re trying to HAVE the baby, huh?!?! Well, except for the going to have a beer & scheduling a go-blonde-again day. Those things are just around the corner, though… RIGHT?!

Worst things about being overdue (so far):

• Having already finished everything and having nothing to do to prepare for her arrival


• Putting everything else on hold to await her arrival (or watching everyone else do this)


• Constant attention to every little thing going on in my body… when nothing.is.happening.


• Desiring a “natural” birth but feeling like we’re barreling toward an induction/c-section/not-what-we-planned


• The waiting… the wanting to just meet her… the overwhelming desire to get this next part started!


• Every day’s disappointment when it feels like NOTHING is happening


• The worry that it’s going too long

I wish I had a little 8 lb. hungry reason to be up at 5am, but the reason continues to be can’t-go-back-to-sleep-after-I-make-yet-another-pregnant-trip-to-the-bathroom. It’s disheartening to be +5 days overdue. This little squirt has really made us work for her… from conception to birth, it’s all about patience… of which I obviously have very little. I can’t wait till she’s here. I want that moment… when she arrives… so much. And yet, I almost feel like I’m (pre)ruining it by being so overly anxious and disheartened with every passing day. I hope it’s still as good as I’ve always thought it will be. I hope I get to meet you soon, little one.