The Giving Up is the Hardest Part... aka Taken in with Crying Eyes

Giving something that you love, love, love, love, love up... even for a temporary period of time... is excruciating. After you make the initial decision to stop using, how long until you stop being fixated on it, craving it, dying to have it? A week, three months, a year? I wouldn't know. Every time I've tried it before, I've given in well before that end-fixation point. (Don't get me wrong... when I set a goal for giving something up for a period of time, I've achieved that goal... I've just never worked beyond the goal well enough into the okay-I-don't-HAVE-to-have-it-anymore stage.) I don't see myself being any more successful this time, but I'm giving it a shot. Starting tomorrow, I'm giving up my lifeblood, my will to live, my Diet Coke. For three months. Yes, again. I'm setting myself up for failure by setting an end date as opposed to simply giving it up for good, yes I know. But the juice simply plays such an important part in my life, I KNOW I'll have to go back to it sooner or later.

It's good to have a detox every once in a while, right? I have to believe that... otherwise, I'll just continue to live off of it, using, we'll say... and that just simply cannot be good. Already, though, I'm fixated, obsessed, can't get the taste out of my mouth. And I JUST decided to give it up for a while. I can't imagine tomorrow is any better. I can't imagine the next day or the day after or the day after that is any better. I can see myself craving the stuff for as long as I last before I cheat. I just don't think my brain ever stops wanting more. It loves it too much. How do I make it stop? And do I really want it to stop? Well, we'll see how it goes...

Meanwhile, I thought I'd share a little list o' songs with you tonight. These were the playlist from my ridiculously-dumb-drive-four-hours-to-fly-another-two-hours-when-you-could-drive-the-whole-thing-in-five return trip tonight. I kept getting inspired (with the DC thing and other stuff) by lines within each... it was like God was giving me a little four-hour lessons-in-life show during the trip. I won't bore you with my fave lines, though. Feel free to think about each song for yourself. Or don't think at all. But at least read the list and see if anything jumps out at you or starts up a record in your head.
   Back To You, John Mayer
   Sweetest Goodbye, Maroon 5
   Far Away, Nickelback
   Do It To It, Cherish
   Fat Bottomed Girls, Queen
   The Good Kind, The Wreckers
   When Love and Hate Collide, Def Leppard
   I Think I'm In Love With You, Jessica Simpson
   So Much To Say, DMB
   Russian Roulette, Edwin McCain
   Stay, Alison Krauss
   Invincible, Crossfade
   Don't Bring Me Down, Edwin McCain
   Lazy Eye, Silversun Pickups
   I Don't Trust Myself, John Mayer
   Stand Up and Shout, Steel Dragon (Soundtrack, Rock Star)
   My Stupid Mouth, John Mayer
   She'll Never Be Me, Britney Spears
   83, John Mayer
   Powerless, Nelly Furtado
   Warning Sign, Coldplay
   The Space Between, DMB
   Money Maker, Ludacris
   Anna Molly, Incubus
   You're Beautiful, James Blunt
   Call Me When You're Sober, Evanescence
   Smack That, Akon & Eminem
   Sunday Morning, Maroon 5
   Sexyback, Justin Timberlake
   Dreaming With a Broken Heart, John Mayer

Finally, the other thing I've decided to quit doing... asking/expecting others to do something that may not be best for them simply because I think it's best for me. With Mary's decision that she won't be coming over to the new company (fyi... last night's cryptic post), I realize that I've been pushing for her to do just that because I'm unwilling to let her go. I have to let her go. Maybe going is what's best for her. But it makes me sad. Extremely sad. I miss her already.

This really blows... giving up everything all at once. Well, shoot, while I'm at it... I'm also pledging to run 3 times a week and cut way back on the fast food. Might as well be smart, positive, and healthy alongside miserable.