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Tonight Not Tonight

Written when we were trying to GET pregnant:

ANYWAY... Today, in my life, is all about renewal. Yesterday was about disappointment. Let's cover yesterday first. Disappointments are, well, disappointing. It's not the end of the world, no. But it sure can feel like it when you're let down. It's the end of one road when it's hard to see the beginning of another. It's another wasted month, the inability to accomplish something you'd really like to do. A big fat splat as you faceplant when you're just trying to put one foot in front of the other. It's one more 'what's wrong with me?' You grieve for a moment that feels like it could last forever. Disappointment is big.

And then it's not. The sun comes up on a beautiful tomorrow. In a book about 'God's whisperings', you see an inspiring verse about hope. You hear a sermon about the prodigal son, and the preacher inserts a little tidbit about the best sentences ever written. You find one of the best sentences ever written... again in the book about 'God's whisperings'. You wake up to the first anniversary of a yucky (weather-wise) day that celebrates one year of happiness together. You start a cleaning project that gets easier every time you donate clothes & what-have-you to the church yard sale. You start the next month and live for another possibility of success. You have a beer and schedule a go-blonde-again day and start looking for next time.

Funny how just about the same thing holds when we’re trying to HAVE the baby, huh?!?! Well, except for the going to have a beer & scheduling a go-blonde-again day. Those things are just around the corner, though… RIGHT?!

Worst things about being overdue (so far):

• Having already finished everything and having nothing to do to prepare for her arrival


• Putting everything else on hold to await her arrival (or watching everyone else do this)


• Constant attention to every little thing going on in my body… when nothing.is.happening.


• Desiring a “natural” birth but feeling like we’re barreling toward an induction/c-section/not-what-we-planned


• The waiting… the wanting to just meet her… the overwhelming desire to get this next part started!


• Every day’s disappointment when it feels like NOTHING is happening


• The worry that it’s going too long

I wish I had a little 8 lb. hungry reason to be up at 5am, but the reason continues to be can’t-go-back-to-sleep-after-I-make-yet-another-pregnant-trip-to-the-bathroom. It’s disheartening to be +5 days overdue. This little squirt has really made us work for her… from conception to birth, it’s all about patience… of which I obviously have very little. I can’t wait till she’s here. I want that moment… when she arrives… so much. And yet, I almost feel like I’m (pre)ruining it by being so overly anxious and disheartened with every passing day. I hope it’s still as good as I’ve always thought it will be. I hope I get to meet you soon, little one.

GRRR

Ugh. It's time, once again, in my work life for the neverending project. It seems like I just finish a newsletter and it's time to do another one. It must simply take me that long to complete one. OK. I admit. That's partially the case. I try not to drag my feet on them, but they just take forever to get completed!

OK, enough complaining. It's late. Darin's getting frustrated that I'm typing. Yep, he just told me. FINE. Night.

Forgive Me. I'm Just Trying to Knock the Dust Off and Hone the Ol' Blogging Skills

Wow... it's been a long time since I've been back here. It's so easy to forget to blog every once in a while. Just like it's easy to forget to be healthy (eat well and exercise). (I've been falling down on those goals, too.) But, here I am. Yet another renewed effort at "Who Wants to Know?"

Speaking of "Who Wants to Know?", it's probably time for a redesign. I'll put that on the to-do list. Who am I kidding? It probably won't happen anytime soon. But, at least it'll be on the list!

So, I've been out 'n about in the non-blogging world for a long while. I didn't even glance at the date of my last post. I do know there was one short one within the last year... to which some random person who stumbled upon my little corner of the interweb called me lame. THANKS, buddy. 'Preciate it. And there was a saved draft of a post about counting my blessings from a few months back. But that was just a non-starter and never really made anything of itself. (Not because there weren't tons of blessings to count... probably more like too many to number, and the topic was too overwhelming to even consider finishing!) Basically, this blog was catharsis for me back when I was blogging religiously; and when I didn't need the outlet anymore (in other words, when the divorce was final and I moved back home to start a new life), it was easy to just let it go. But the bottom line is: I like writing. Well, I don't enjoy the process, but I love the end result. Most of the time. Other times, probably like today, it's too hard to see through the words to really feel the meaning. But I'm determined to hit the "Publish Post" button, so better to get on with it than spend all day trying to perfect the story.

ANYWAY... Today, in my life, is all about renewal. Yesterday was about disappointment. Let's cover yesterday first. Disappointments are, well, disappointing. It's not the end of the world, no. But it sure can feel like it when you're let down. It's the end of one road when it's hard to see the beginning of another. It's another wasted month, the inability to accomplish something you'd really like to do. A big fat splat as you faceplant when you're just trying to put one foot in front of the other. It's one more 'what's wrong with me?' You grieve for a moment that feels like it could last forever. Disappointment is big.

And then it's not. The sun comes up on a beautiful tomorrow. In a book about 'God's whisperings', you see an inspiring verse about hope. You hear a sermon about the prodigal son, and the preacher inserts a little tidbit about the best sentences ever written. You find one of the best sentences ever written... again in the book about 'God's whisperings'. You wake up to the first anniversary of a yucky (weather-wise) day that celebrates one year of happiness together. You start a cleaning project that gets easier every time you donate clothes & what-have-you to the church yard sale. You start the next month and live for another possibility of success. You have a beer and schedule a go-blonde-again day and start looking for next time.

I wish I could say I'll be back tomorrow. I may not. But I would like to be. Hopefully, I'll remember to be and want to be and actually try to be. Until then...

Oh, and the verse and sentence:
1) "There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." Proverbs 23:18.
2) "My heart is ever at your service." William Shakespeare.

Aren't those just beautiful?

I hope you're having a sunny, beautiful day... wherever you find yourself today.

Again and Yet Again

Oh boy, oh boy... is it HARD to go back?!?! Starting back on the schedule again kicks one's rear end. Work, working out, same old *&^%... yeah, it'll get you. But it's worth it, right? It must be. Otherwise, WHY would we subject ourselves to this?

Who Ya Gonna Vote For?

If you didn't see it live on Saturday night, and you are interested in presidential politics, you might want to check out the Saddleback Civil Forum. Pastor Rick Warren asks Obama and McCain the same questions. Obama went first and was a little long-winded. McCain sat in a "cone of silence" during Obama's interview and then answered the exact same questions when he came on-stage. Interesting. Marked differences, and yet so many similarities. Despite what you may think you know about my preference for president, I like both of these candidates. And I want to believe in both/either of them!

http://www.cnn.com/POLITICS

Where've I Been?

Today's Quote
Days are scrolls: write on them only what you want remembered.
-Bchya Ibn Pakuda


Contrary to what my actions lately may have you to believe, my days have been GREAT recently... it's just that I haven't written the good stuff down here on my scroll.

I'm determined to start doing better. I loved blogging back when I was doing it religiously. But I let the personal I-don't-really-want-to-share-with-the-world stuff get in the way of my public airing-of-laundry. And that's not really me. I'm a very open person... sometimes to my detriment. I'm also a very protective person of those about whom I care. So, if something could've been hurtful to them, I haven't written it for the world to see. But, time heals, right? And if things are good in my life, it's okay to share, right? I mean, if you really care for me, you're happy to read aobut the good stuff that makes me happy, yes? Yeah, I don't know. It could still be hard. So, be warned. I'm coming back out with my happy scrolls. If you don't want to read, delete the bookmark or RSS feed.

Pics and good stuff to follow...

How Freakin' Cute

http://www.mommytrackd.com/video/mt6

Early Mornings, McDonalds, and iPhones

Two things on my mind this morning:
1) Certain McDonalds hate me... a McGriddle is NOT a biscuit and steak 'n cheese is not sausage 'n cheese. BUMMER.
2) Go Little Guys! The big phone carriers who grab these exclusive deals on the fun new phones need to BACK OFF. The little guys are gunning for ya: Let's Go To Court.

Can't Live With 'Em OR Without 'Em

I was all ready to write this nice long blog post tonight, but... my computer has decided to take FOREVER to bring this page up. I swear, wireless networks in hotels... sometimes they're great. Sometimes not so much. I'm not complaining. My compadres are paying $170 a night for a smaller room, no breakfast, and less atmosphere. I choose Hyatt Place once again for $100/night and breakfast thrown in. They like the Hilton points. I say Hyatt points are just as valuable.

I'm back in Atlanta (well, really, Duluth/Suwanee/John's Creek) this week for more Integration Project "stuff". Because my job is so nebulous at the moment and I can straddle the worlds between HR and Integration, I think maybe I'll take advantage and sleep in in the morning! Oh shoot... I hope no one's on here who can tell on me. Carrie, Larry? Shut it. I was thinking tomorrow morning, especially with tonight's late supper and drive back from Buckhead, would be a good sleep-till-8-then-work-out-before-going-in-to-the-office day. Yeah, sounds like a plan to me. That way, I'll be perked up from the workout just enough to be productive... from my temporary away-from-everything office that they stuck me in for the week.

I was going to write tonight about decisions in interpersonal relationships... how it's interesting to watch the paths of people's lives... when one person decides to befriend (or not befriend) another. Tonight, I went to dinner with 4 Dutchmen/women and 1 American (plus me). I would classify the American as one of my best work friends... although when we actually worked together in PA, we hardly spent any time together. Now that we're on opposite ends of the country, we're much closer. One of the Dutchmen has been my coworker for years now. We've hung out. We make an effort with one another, but we're just casual acquaintances. This Dutchman and my American friend, however, are much closer. Coming back from dinner tonight, the American was telling me all about the life of the Dutchman. I should make relationships like that, I thought. Then I remembered why I don't... because I don't remember. Someone can tell me their life story today, and I'll be doing good to remember their name tomorrow. AND being in an HR-related position, people seem to clam up when it comes to sharing personal life details around me. Stupid HR. Anyway... the point was going to be how relationships change and shape our lives. More than any other thing, it's the people we choose to befriend, live with/around, and learn from that shapes our personalities. Yes, no, maybe? Well, it's definitely true in my life and work. Now, could I change myself and become more of a relationship-builder? How many of my friends/acquaintances would say I'm already a very good relationship-builder? Many, I hope... because that's what I need to be in my next life... work life, that is... if it all comes through for me. :) But, no, I haven't heard anything more yet.

Anyway, Joey's & Kate's wedding was lovely. A few pics for your review:

As Promised... A Few Little Picto-Memories

... More to come later, perhaps, when my battery doesn't just have 16 min left on it!






And yes, I like to play. :)

What is this Madness?

Okay. Telltale sign that it's been a really really really long time since I posted? I forgot the address to get here! Even worse? Not only did I forget the address for the posting side (where I go to write this randomness), but I kinda forgot the actual blog address, too. And for the record, the last post was one month and two days ago. Of course, there were lots of missed days between it and the second to last one, too. Yeah, yeah. I've been slack.

First things first (in reverse chronological order, at least), for those of you in warmer climates, sorry... but you missed our this-is-becoming-too-much-of-a-regular-thing April snow.


Let's see, backwards from today:
- Eat, eat, eat... feel fat
- Learn of even more family/friend health problems
- Shop at multiple big malls, get tired, feel regret for spending too much money
- Narrowly avoid extremely bad situation
- Celebrate birth of Bear with medium-sized bad moods and homemade chips
- Cheer Intimidators to victory
- Spend time at hospital
- Spend time at hospital
- Spend time at hospital
- Spend time at hospital
- Mourn Tar Heel loss
- Celebrate bachelorette-ness o' Kate at HHI in p.h.a.t. rental house
- Spend time at hospital
- Spend time at hospital
- Learn of cancellation of Gran's party
- Freak out over Gran's trip to hospital
- Work on putting together family slide show/dvd for Gran's party
- Celebrate the return o' the newlyweds
- Celebrate Tar Heel victory
- Miss bestie terribly
- Send newlyweds off on week-long honeymoon
- Celebrate nuptials of Mr. & Mrs. at very-fun reception
- Hold back tears and snot during Mr. & Mrs. wedding ceremony
- Hurry, hurry, hurry; work, work, work; rehearse, rehearse, rehearse for weekend wedding activities

Okay, you get the picture. It was fun making a reverse-chronological list there for a second. Now it's just getting annoying. Isn't that just like life? Fun. Not fun. Fun. Not fun. I want to land on FUN more often! Maybe tomorrow's fun can include a pictorial of the last few months. Eh... maybe not. For now, hope y'all have enjoyed the silence... and hope you enjoy me actually breaking it tonight as well. And if you don't... you know where to stick it. ;)

You ALSO Have a Great Evening

You know what burns my butt? (Besides the flame I usually like to answer with.) Being on the phone with "customer support" for over thirty-three minutes, being transferred four times, having to explain the problem four times (plus the few times I had to repeat it because the customer service person didn't understand what I was talking about), and ultimately having DARRYL (not the other brother, but the original) tell me that this is a known issue, technicians are working on it, he doubts it will ever be fixed, good luck figuring out a work-around because nothing really works right now, but please, have a great evening.

The Freakin' Service These Days!

I love the fact that you can call up a hotel at which you have reservations and cancel said reservations at the last minute with no penalty. I've made two drastic changes to my travel schedule this week (after having made hotel reservations both times) with absolutely no financial penalty. In fact, they're almost pleasant about it! Try calling up the airline once you've booked a flight and asking for a change. Cha-ching, $100 change fee please. Oops and, cha-ching, your new flight has a higher fare, please provide your credit card number. But at the hotel... they say, cancel your reservation by 6:00 pm on the night of check-in. They'll actually give me until 6:00 pm to cancel!

Speaking of 6:00 pm, do you consider that time afternoon, evening, or night? Just wondered.

So, hopefully, I can get out of here fairly early tomorrow. I can't wait to hop back into Charlie and smell new car all the way back up the road tomorrow afternoon. I love him... I love the way he smells, I love the way he looks, I love the way he feels. Mmm... ♥ ! Sweet Charlie.

OK. 6:47 is going to come awfully early tomorrow morning. And now that the yummiest-ever swordfish has settled a little in my tummy, I'm ready to hit the hay. Hope you guys are having a good Wednesday and have an even better Thursday tomorrow. Peace, love, and sweet dreams to each of you. XO

Note to Self: When I Hear "Snickers", I Need to SHUT IT.

With things as they are in my life, I honestly have felt hesitant to write anything here. But I see you guys still checking in with me, and I appreciate your patient interest and continued friendship. It's kind of hard to know what to tell and what to keep to myself, though. Y'know?! That's always been something that's difficult for me in real life as well... knowing when to blab and when to hold my tongue. As I said just tonight (and no offense, Mom)... I am my mother's daughter, and we can't help but disclose, disclose, disclose. In fact, Haley likes to remember and share a story from years ago that demonstrates, to her at least, how likely I am to tell what I know. Haley & I used to ride the elementary school bus from JES to ACHS (where Mom worked). Mom often had after-school meetings, and we, being the wonderfully-behaved, studious children that we were, spent our time wisely... raising hell and running the halls. One day, Haley ran across some change for the vending machine. I wish I could remember how she acquired said change... MAYBE that would shift the focus of the story from my sins to hers. Alas, she had 50 cents burning a hole in her pocket (as cash often does in the britches we wear) and a strong desire for some peanut butter nougat topped with roasted peanuts and caramel covered with milk chocolate. Evidently, I couldn't stand that she had something that Mom didn't know about. As soon as Mom came back to her room from whatever meeting she was in that day, I simply HAD to tell her what Haley had had. I seriously do not remember it being that I was tattling. It was more that I was just moved to share what I knew. (I swear, Haley!) Anyway, Haley will often look around at me (usually as I'm telling something I probably should've kept to myself) and say simply, "Snickers."

So, before I dive back into the world of telling-all via blog, I'm going to continue to think carefully about what things are appropriate and what things are better left unpublished. It's the least I can do for all of you actually in my life... especially since I can't not talk about you in real life.

Back with more soon...

A Little Tidbit on a Monday Morning... from the Audi Dealership

Daily Wisdom

I love the recklessness of faith. First you leap, and then you grow wings.

-William Sloane Coffin

I ♥ CHARLIE

I'm Maybe Possibly Could-Be Back... At Least From Vermont

As I work to catch up on my e-mails (good gosh... how many can one person receive when they're only away from work for two days?!... the answer to that would be 100+), I figured I'd share one of the cute -- and inspiring -- quotes from one of them:

Thought for the Day:
What feels like the end of something good may actually be the start of something better!

I may share more later, too; but here are a couple photos from the weekend (the ONLY two I got of the snow!):

A Little Daily Wisdom

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.

-Rainer Maria Rilke